


Love of the Unkillable Kind

by scorpion22



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Arkham Asylum, Child Abuse, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Letters, Love Letters, Multi, Other, Phone Calls & Telephones, Phone Sex, Prison Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-05-13 00:10:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5687005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpion22/pseuds/scorpion22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A love story between Jerome Valeska our favorite ginger and a clown's daughter. Multiple points of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A first meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I am a huge Gotham fan and this story has been working in my mind for a while now. I just needed to make it work a little before writing it down. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you review it.

Phoebe’s POV…

You ever been so in love that you didn’t care about anyone else? I have, though I didn’t know it the first time I saw Jerome Valeska. But then we were only five years old what did we know? We were just kids when we met and became friends. How were we to know that we would be by each other’s sides from that moment on? We were each other’s light in the storm in a way because no matter how bad things got one thing never changed. We always had each other.   
In the beginning we were only best friends helping each other. Together we lived through the abuse both our parents dealt out. As time passed, we grew older our relationship changing as we did, and soon I realized I had fallen in love with him. And much to my surprise he fell in love with me too. It was that love that would sustain us through good times and bad. It was that love that made me stand by him through even the toughest of times. Our love was unkillable. This is our story. This is the story of our love.   
We were five when we met. His mother was the circus snake dancer not to mention the circus whore and my father along with my uncles were clowns. I will never forget that moment when I saw Jerome for the first time. That particular night my uncles were already drunk as usual and much to my daddy’s disappointment they couldn’t watch me. He wanted to go see Lila Valeska, the circus whore; my uncles’ drunken state forced him to take me along. At the time I didn’t want to go, but now I am so glad he forced me to. And I am so glad he did, or my life would be so different.   
“Don’t say a…word…or I’ll…knock your teeth in,” slurred my father as he stumbled with me in tow towards Lila’s trailer. He was nearly as drunk as my uncles the difference being that unlike them he could walk. And then he flung me away from him so I was still in his view as he banged on the door leaning against the side of it for support as he waited for it to open.   
“ Larry, baby what a pleasure to see you,” smiled Lila Valeska when she answered the door dressed in only a robe which she let hang open exposing her naked body. That was the first time I saw her and even then I didn’t like her.   
Lila Valeska was a very beautiful woman, but just looking at her she reminded me of a snake. She just looked evil I can’t explain why I felt that having not even spoken to the woman yet, but she just gave off an evil vibe. And she didn’t like me either because the second she saw me standing in the background she glared straight at me giving my father a look.   
“Stay out here,” growled my father looking from her to me. I only nodded hearing as he climbed into the trailer closing the door with a slam. I sat on a haystack nearby as I waited. I knew what my daddy would do if I ran off while he was busy. He would beat me black and blue without a second thought. That was something I tried to avoid.   
“Let me go,” exclaimed a voice drawing my attention back to the trailer as the door opened.   
“Fuck off,” snapped my father standing in the doorway of the trailer a minute before throwing a boy my age out into the dirt. He didn’t wait even a second before closing the door leaving the boy in a crumpled pile. When the door closed I ran over to the boy.   
“Are you ok?” I exclaimed as I hurried to his side as he still lay on the ground the first thing that caught my eye was his red hair.   
“Here let me help,” I continued falling to the ground by his side to help; I felt bad that my daddy had done that to him. But he didn’t want my help. The second my hand touched his shoulder he pulled away as if I had poured acid on him and when he looked at me that first time he was glaring at me. Back then I couldn’t help, but notice that he had his mother’s glare.   
“Keep away from me,” sneered the boy glaring at me still before beginning to dust himself off. I put my head down then barely looking at him as he sat on his hands and knees attempting to clean himself up. I couldn’t help, but think that he was like everyone else. He didn’t like me either and he had just met me.   
“Please let me help you,” I whispered my voice shaking as I reached out a hand to help him again receiving that same glare when I tried. This time I noticed his frog green eyes; I had never seen eyes as green as his. He slapped my hands away immediately still glaring and it was then I gave up. I wanted to cry then after all I was just trying to be nice. And then sitting there in the dirt with him all was silent.   
“I’m sorry,” I whispered finally not looking up at him for fear that he was still glaring at me.   
The silence continued then until suddenly I felt him lightly tap my forehead.   
“What?” I breathed my voice shaking giving him all my attention instantly. When I finally looked at him again he wasn’t glaring at me anymore instead he was frowning at me.   
“What are you sorry for?” frowned the boy his eyes never leaving me now. I looked into his eyes then and signing I quickly looked away again. He had me all flustered now and in that moment part of me was afraid to talk to him.   
“I’m sorry because I made you mad. I didn’t mean to I was just trying to help you. I figured it’s the least I can do seeing as my daddy is the one who threw you into the dirt,” I explained looking at him for just a second before rising out of the dirt leaving him be not wanting to bug him with my company anymore. I could feel his eyes on me as I walked away from him returning to my haystack. I just didn’t understand it; why did no one like me? And staring at the ground as I sat there in silence I just kicked my feet in the dirt waiting for my daddy to return.   
I didn’t notice he had come to stand in front of me until he tapped my forehead again making me look up into his green eyes.   
“I’m Jerome, Jerome Valeska,” said Jerome smiling that big toothy grin my way for the first time. He offered me his hand then expecting me to shake it. For a moment though I just stared at him amazed that he was actually being nice to me. But then I took his hand giving it a gentle shake before letting it go once more. All was silent again as he stood in front of me just watching me while I stared right back at him. I didn’t know what to expect from this boy I had just met who until now had been extremely unkind to me. Still smiling at me, Jerome sat down on the stack of hay by my side turning his head to stare at me still as I returned my eyes to the dirt floor. I didn’t talk much then and if I hadn’t of met Jerome that probably never would have changed.   
“So…what’s your name,” smiled Jerome never taking his eyes off me. I stared at the ground still lost in my own thoughts. I didn’t even hear him speak I was so nervous around him then like I was with anyone new I would ever meet. But when he poked me in the arm not so gently I instantly looked at him.   
“Ye…yes,” I stammered looking him in the eye for just a second before looking away. I focused solely on my hands then waiting to see what he would say tapping them nervously as I did so.   
“I asked you for your name. You do have a name right?” exclaimed Jerome still managing to smile despite the slightly annoyed tone of his voice. And I don’t know why, but that smile even then was contagious. Soon I found a tiny smile trying to make its way onto my face as I met his gaze once more. Locking eyes with him I had to smile because the thought that I didn’t have a name was too funny I mean who didn’t have a name?   
“Phoebe, it’s Phoebe Nullen,” I smiled still looking into his eyes.   
“Well it’s nice to meet you Phoebes,” smiled Jerome looking intently at me as if expecting me to tell him my short life story.   
“So…the clowns your dad? I’m seen him with my mother before; it’s not the first time he’s thrown me in the dirt. But how come you’ve never been with him before? I would have remembered meeting you there aren’t many nice people here. You too busy playing with friends until now?” sneered Jerome venom filling his tone as he spoke of my father his smile completely gone now. The query of questions surprised me at first before filling me with sadness because now of the answers I had to give were good ones. As I prepared to answer him then I looked away not wanting him to see the tears in my eyes. The truth was I hated my father, he was nothing, but cruel. The truth was I had never been with him to see Lila before because usually my uncles watched me, though what they did couldn’t really be called watching me, and today was only different because they were too drunk to watch me. And the saddest truth of all was that I didn’t have any friends I never had.   
“Usually my uncles watch me, but today they couldn’t. I…I don’t have any frie…friends,” I whispered. Jerome tapped me on the shoulder then making me turn in his direction.   
“I don’t have any friends either. Don’t let it bother you, Phoebes I don’t,” breathed Jerome smiling at me one last time. It was then he brought a finger to my face wiping away the tears I hadn’t realized I had cried. That was the first time he ever did that.   
He looked away from me then staring at his hands as they hung freely between his knees. All was silent between us again, but then an idea entered my mind. At the time it seemed like such an impossible idea.   
“Jerome,” I whispered hesitating slightly.   
“Phoebes,” smiled Jerome not looking at me, but as I turned in his direction I saw that smile as big as ever his eyes still trained on his own hands. I was silent still as I worked up the courage to ask him my question. But finally I chickened out because I knew he would say no. After all in my mind there was no reason for him to say yes.   
“Never…never mind,” I signed looking at the ground once more. I felt sadness cover me then as I pushed the whole idea from my mind. It was stupid, it was impossible; no one wanted anything to do with me why would he?   
However that only seemed to pique his interest because suddenly I felt him tap the side of my head.   
“Oh come on, Phoebes. What were you going to ask me?” whispered Jerome leaning in close to me. I didn’t look at him still staring at the ground pretending I didn’t hear him, but when he began tapping me incessantly I knew there was no ignoring him. I learned something very important that first day; Jerome Valeska would not be ignored by anyone not even me. Finally I turned my head still hesitant.   
“Well I had an idea. You don’t have any friends and I don’t have any friends so why couldn’t we be friends?” I whispered finally looking into his deep green eyes my heart pounding as he processed my question making me wait with bated breath for an answer. Jerome’s smile seemed to get even wider than if that was possible and before I knew it he was nodding a yes.   
“Ok, Phoebes. Let’s be friends,” smiled Jerome. I perked up instantly smiling just as wide.   
“Do you mean it?” I smiled turning to face him. I stared him dead in the eyes then my whole stance making it clear just how hopeful I was that he really wanted to be my friend. That he really wasn’t playing a cruel joke on me.   
“Yes, I really mean it in fact if you want we can shake on it,” said Jerome offering me his hand for a second time.   
“Alright,” I exclaimed taking his hand for a second time. This time our handshake was a little more firm, it lasted longer, and when it was over our hands lingered over each other. But finally our fingers separated and still smiling at each other we began our friendship.   
“What now?” asked Jerome looking from the trailer where our parents were before finally looking back at me?   
“We could talk,” I suggested and sitting Indian style facing each other as he nodded. We began to play our version of twenty question asking each other anything and everything though I don’t think either of us let our walls down completely at that point. So as we waited we talked, it was surprisingly easy to talk to each other. Soon it grew darker, but we didn’t notice.   
“What’s your favorite food?” asked Jerome smiling at me as if he had asked for some big top secret information.   
“That’s easy, cotton candy. What about you Jerome? What’s your favorite food?” I exclaimed watching as he smiled at my answer before stopping to think up his own.   
“Chicken pot pie. My mother has me make the ones in the red box sometimes. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does its nice,” exclaimed Jerome a look of joy coming onto his face as he told me of the food. Now it was my turn to ask a question. Silence fell as I thought one up, but I never got to ask it once I did. Before I could even form one word my daddy came bursting out of the trailer nearly falling into the dirt when he lost his balance. It was clear that he was drunker then he had been before he arrived. When his eyes finally landed on me he didn’t say anything. He only gave me that same irritated look he always gave me since before I could remember. It was clear then that my time with Jerome was older and now I was expected to follow my daddy home.   
Jerome and I both stood up then looking after him before looking at each other.   
“I have to go home,” I signed my smile disappearing. I really didn’t want to I wanted to stay with Jerome. I wanted to spend more time with my new friend, but I knew if I didn’t follow daddy he would find me. And when he did he would hurt me for daring to disobey him.   
“Yeah me too. My mother will probably be wanting dinner,” whispered Jerome his smile disappearing too. It was clear just by the tone of his voice that he hated his mother as much as I hated my father.   
“Will I see you again?” I whispered looking down at the ground. But my attention was instantly on him again as he did something I would learn to get used to. Jerome tapped me on the forehead making me smile once more and when I looked at him I discovered his smile had returned too.   
“Course you will, we’re friends remember,” whispered Jerome.   
“Phoebe! Where the hell are you?” yelled my father making me jump my smile fading because I knew now I would be getting a beating when I got home.   
“Bye,” I said looking away from him before running away. I knew I had to get home if I came quickly the beating might not be so bad. But I knew one thing; I would have bruises tomorrow.   
“Phoebe,” screamed Jerome from behind me. Even though I knew I shouldn’t I stopped hearing my daddy still calling my name.   
“Yes,” I exclaimed turning back to look at him trying to ignore my daddy’s incessant screaming.   
Jerome was standing on the steps to his trailer his hand gripping the door handle.   
“I’ll come find you tomorrow,” said Jerome his smile on in full force. My smile returned too and nodding I gave him a thumbs up that he returned before my daddy’s voice brought me back to reality.   
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jerome,” I called turning with a final wave in the direction of home preparing myself for my punishment as my daddy’s voice grew louder the closer I got. And I was right, the second he saw me he grabbed both my arms in his strong grasp.   
“Where the hell you been? When I call for you, you move your ass,” snapped my father shaking me hard before suddenly slapping me across the face. He did it twice more before he grabbed a fistful of my hair using it to lead me the rest of the way home. And as he led me into our trailer I began to cry because I knew what was coming. I knew what was crying and I was so scared.


	2. That First Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerome and Phoebe spend their first day together. From both points of view.

Phoebes POV…

The next day I woke up feeling like I had been strangled. It didn’t take me long to remember that I nearly had been the night before. Like I knew I would I had bruises all over. They were on my face, on my neck, on my shoulders, and they covered my arms so bad my skin looked black. Laying there in bed at that moment I remembered the night before and at first all I could remember was the beating my daddy had given me. But then I remembered Jerome, my new friend. The thought that I had a friend now made me feel happy for just a moment, but then a thought entered my mind. What if I dreamed it all? What if Jerome was just something out of my imagination and I signed then because that meant I was still all alone. So all that day I stayed in bed wearing the same clothes as the day before feeling miserable. The last thing I wanted to do was make my daddy or my uncles mad I was already bruised enough, so it was best just to hide myself away. That way they wouldn’t notice me and if they didn’t notice me they wouldn’t hurt me. And at that moment that was all I wanted.   
“We’re leaving,” called one of my uncles probably to me though he could have just been talking to himself. I was glad when I heard those words, but I still didn’t move. There wasn’t a reason for me to. I thought Jerome just a figment of my imagination I thought I had no friends. I saw no reason for that day to be different from any of the others I could remember. But then I heard a knock at our door. I didn’t really want to answer it, but I did anyway watching as it swung open to reveal someone with the biggest smile standing on the other side. A smile instantly found its way onto my face too.   
Jerome, the boy I thought my mind had created, stood there on the other side that smile I remembered plastered across his face. Like me he was wearing the same thing as the day before only he didn’t look nearly as crumpled as I did. He just stood there at first just smiling that smile in my direction. And it was then that I was so happy because now I knew he wasn’t a dream; he was real.   
“Hi Phoebe,” smiled Jerome finally speaking his eyes shining as he looked at me giving me a wave that I quickly returned.   
“Jerome, you’re really here,” I exclaimed leaning against the doorframe.   
“Yeah…didn’t you believe me when I said I’d come find you? We’re friends now, remember,” explained Jerome pretending to be hurt that I hadn’t expected him to show. I was about to apologize to him and explain how I thought I dreamed him up, but he never let me speak. Instead before I knew it he was speaking to me again drawing all my attention immediately.   
“So…do you want to come hang out with me? We could walk around, or talk…something like that,” whispered Jerome looking at the ground now as if afraid I would say no. He didn’t have any reason to be afraid the last thing I was going to do at that point was say no. In fact he had just made my day.   
“Yes I’d love that…just let me get ready real quick,” I said my words coming out in a rush making him smile; it was clear just how excited I was at the idea. I left him standing there just outside the door as I ran out of sight running my fingers through my hair to smooth it out before attempting to smooth the wrinkles from my clothes before searching for my shoes. I quickly found them tying the laces hurriedly before running to return to Jerome.   
“Let’s go,” I called excitedly joining him outside the trailer. I closed the door with a slam not even bothering to lock it before leaving out of sight with Jerome. And for the first time in my life I didn’t care if I got in trouble later. We didn’t do much at first. We just walked around the grounds of the circus both of us had our hands in our pockets refusing to look at each other. I was waiting for him to say something and I didn’t know it then, but he was waiting for me to say something. Things were very awkward between us that first day.   
Part of me was afraid he would ask about the bruises that covered me, but he didn’t. I could feel his eyes on me when he would glance at me from time to time looking at the bruises, but he never said a word. It was like he knew better. But then he finally broke the silence.   
“So Phoebes…what do you want to do,” asked Jerome pushing his hands farther into his pockets his feet kicking at the dirt as he walked.   
“ I don’t know…you know for a circus there isn’t much to do around here,” I shrugged telling a joke to break the tension between us making him laugh the beginnings of what I didn’t know would someday scare the hell out of an entire city. But that laugh would never scare me. Unlike everybody else that laugh could always bring a smile to my face. It was so carefree, so happy, and it would always be one of my favorite things about Jerome. I could make him laugh even then.   
“I know, let’s go climb those big rocks just outside camp. When we get to the top we can finish asking each other questions,” suggested Jerome his entire body filling with excitement at the idea making me feel the same excitement just watching him. He was so full of excitement, so full of energy, and it all made me smile at him. I instantly wanted to do what he suggested even though I had never left camp before and had no idea what he was talking about.   
“Sure Jerome we could do that I’ve never seen these rocks before. I’ve never left camp before,” I explained watching as he stopped jumping around in excitement staring straight at me. The look he gave me could only be described as a “really “look his eyebrows rising. We just stood there and then suddenly he seemed to get his energy back. His grin quickly returned and returning to my side I wasn’t sure what to expect of him next. He quickly took my hand. That was the first time he would ever do so and even then it felt right to hold hands with him.   
“Well Phoebes you’re leaving camp today. We’re gonna go climb those rocks,” explained Jerome acting as if he was explaining an important fact to me as he started leading me by the hand through camp. I had no idea where he was taking me, but I couldn’t care less. Even though I had known Jerome for less than a day something deep inside me told me I could trust him. And until then I had trusted nobody. Jerome was much faster than me. I practically had to run to keep up with him and a couple of times as he led me in this direction and that direction I nearly fell.   
I was just barely managing and was about to ask him to slow down when suddenly he stopped. Pulling me from behind him, I stood at Jerome’s side now staring at the amazing sight he had brought me to see. It was just a simple stack of rocks, really big rocks, but as we stared up at the top it looked really cool. I had never seen anything like it before. Each boulder appeared to be perfectly polished stacked one atop the other. I wasn’t sure how many rocks there were, but the sheer beauty of it took my breath away. It was as I was admiring the sight that I caught Jerome watching me. Looking at him finally I had a smile on my face nearly as big as his own. We looked into each other’s eyes and I knew he could see my amazement at the pretty sight. In that moment I was so happy he had brought me there to see that.   
“It’s not much, but I think it’s neat,” whispered Jerome taking a step forward.   
I nodded my agreement his hand still gripping mine as he tugged me forward towards the rocks.  
“What now?” I exclaimed my voice shaking as he led me closer to the rocks. I couldn’t take my eyes off the rocks then as fear suddenly gripped my whole body. But then I looked at Jerome, something told me deep down inside that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Something told me I was safe with him. But still my eyes roamed between him and the rocks unsure of what would happen next. Jerome shook his head at me when I asked my question still tugging me forward.   
“Weren’t you listening Phoebes I told you we’re going to climb up to the top. Then when we get there we can pick up our question game,” explained Jerome the tone of his voice sounding annoyed. As he spoke he suddenly stopped letting go of my hand for the first time that day beginning his climb up the first rock. When he looked down at me I knew he expected me to follow him, but in that moment I wasn’t sure if I could.   
“ Come on Phoebes, your turn,” said Jerome encouragingly extending both his hands down to me ready to help me up to his side again his eyes locking with mine as I left him waiting there for the longest time.   
“I don’t know Jerome…I’m scared. What if we fall?” I stammered looking at him for a long time before moving my eyes up the length of the rocks to the very top. This made him laugh drawing my attention immediately back to him as he continued to wait on me patiently.   
“We won’t,” said Jerome simply waiting for me to take his hands still. But still his hands remained empty as I stared at the top once more. I trusted Jerome, but despite that I was still scared I just couldn’t help it. And in that moment I wished that I could be as fearless as he appeared to be.   
“What if we do?” I repeated my voice shaking.   
“Phoebes trust me…we won’t fall. I’ve done this before and I promise we won’t fall. I won’t let us fall we’ll be okay,” smiled Jerome the look in his eyes pleading with me to trust him. I looked at him hesitating still seeing as he silently begged for me to take his hands so he could help me up.   
“ Alright, but you better not let us fall,” I exclaimed finally looking into his eyes still as I took his hands letting him help me up so I stood close by his side.  
“Don’t worry Phoebes I got you. We’ll be at the top before you know it,” whispered Jerome that smile as wide as ever on his face. He turned away from me then beginning to climb the next rock without a word.   
“Jerome I’m scared,” I whispered as he helped pull me up next to him once again both of us looking down at the ground. He didn’t say anything in response just kept climbing pulling me up after him each time. That was how the climb worked and as time passed I wasn’t scared anymore. I knew Jerome had spoken the truth he would not let us fall.   
Jerome kept me close to his side the entire time. He held my hands tightly in his each time he pulled me up. My fear disappeared because of that because slowly I realized he had me. He wasn’t going to let anything happen to me as long as he was by my side. And then we were finally at the top.   
“So…was it worth the climb,” smiled Jerome referring to the view at the top when we reached it. And in that moment I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was nod in answer because it was amazing. I mean in all actuality we weren’t up that high, but it was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. We could see everything almost, the circus grounds, the trees just beyond, and my fear then was gone completely replaced with complete amazement. Jerome still held my hand, I felt as he gave it a squeeze tugging me to sit Indian style on the ground.   
Jerome’s POV…  
Sitting there with Phoebe I couldn’t remember ever feeling so at ease with someone before. We were kindred spirits going through the same abuse each day, both of us finding a way to live through it. I had never met anyone quite like her before. We were a lot alike, we both had to deal with our parents, but where it had made me strong it had made her hide herself away. It was something I hoped to change. I could see there was a strong person inside her just waiting to be unleashed and I wanted to do that for her. The same bruises that covered her covered me. My mother gave them to me all the time, but the difference being I knew how to cover them better. Seeing them made me mad even back then when we were just barely friends, but they did because I didn’t like the idea of anyone hurting her. I didn’t understand it then, I didn’t know why I should care, but even at five I did. And looking at her I was glad she was my friend now.   
I didn’t mind being alone all the time, but I didn’t like it. But now that she was my friend I wouldn’t have to be alone if I didn’t want to be. For a long time that first day we just sat there in silence, but then she broke it.   
“I thought we were gonna talk,” said Phoebe simply a curious look in her eyes that I couldn’t help, but smile at.   
“Then talk,” I laughed placing my elbows on my knees to rest my head in my hands never looking away from her.   
“Okay,” she laughed and god if I didn’t love her laugh it was like a bunch of tiny bells ringing.   
“Um…Jerome…do you like living with the circus?” asked Phoebe her laughter stopping then her tone making it seem like she was asking such a serious question. She copied my movements then her elbows finding purchase on her knees her head in her hands as she stared at me with her big blue eyes. Her question surprised me; no one had ever asked me that before though until I met Phoebe no one really talked to me let alone asked me questions.   
“I don’t really have much of a choice,” I answered looking at her. At the time that was the only real answer I could think to give because that was the truth. I was five years old, I had no one else, but my mother. She was a circus performer, though I never actually saw her perform during the show, as long as she lived with the circus I lived with the circus. And looking at Phoebe I felt a connection with her yet again because she was in the exact same situation. If I had asked her that question she probably would have said the same thing.   
It was my turn to ask her a question now. I sat there then a thoughtful look on my face appearing to be thinking when I really wasn’t. I had lots of questions I could have asked her, but I chose to just stare at her in that moment because well I just wanted to. At that point Phoebe was still a mystery to me so I just sat there staring right at her. Instantly I liked her blues eyes, I don’t know why maybe because I was staring into them, but they just stood out to me. And though we were just friends then I couldn’t help, but notice that Phoebe was really pretty. Most five year old’s don’t notice that, but I did. Beyond all the bruises she was always really pretty. Phoebe had simple looks, but looks none the less. Her hair was this dark brown; it was so dark it was nearly black. Her skin was slightly tanned, not the brownish tan you usually see, but the type of tanned that made it seem like the sun had just barely kissed her skin. And her eyes, I loved her eyes immediately they were the most expressive baby blue eyes. They seemed to see right through me. They were so expressive, they could have so many emotions in them all at once; I had never seen anything like them.   
Finally I knew I couldn’t just sit there staring at her anymore so I finally picked a question to ask her. At first I wasn’t sure if I should, if someone asked me that question I wouldn’t have answered it, and I wasn’t sure she would if I asked her. But something deep inside me urged me to ask. Plus this particular question was very important for me to know. In my opinion it was the most important question I would ever ask her. It told me a lot about her then in the beginning.   
“Tell me something you’re afraid of,” I whispered looking into her eyes still until she looked away from me making it clear immediately that she didn’t want to answer. She wouldn’t look at me for the longest time and as I waited I considered asking her something else, but I hesitated. I really wanted to hear her answer and when she finally looked at me again I saw that she had tears in her eyes. I instantly felt bad for putting them there. But still she didn’t answer me. She didn’t answer me for a long time choosing only to stare at me. I had finally made up my mind to change my question when her answer came flying out of her mouth. And when it did what she said didn’t surprise me one bit. In fact it made me feel an even closer connection to her in that moment.   
“I’m afraid of my daddy. He hurts me a lot,” answered Phoebe her voice as well as her whole body shaking as she looked away from me. All was silent once more as I signed preparing for the climb back down. I could understand Phoebe’s fear then because I was scared of my mother back then too.   
“Jerome…can I ask you something?” whispered Phoebe still not looking at me. She drew me from my thoughts then looking at her part of me wishing she would look at me again.   
“Yeah, Phoebes,” I whispered finally getting her to look up into my eyes in that moment.   
“How long do you think we’ll be friends?” said Phoebe her voice shaking as if she was afraid of the answer I would give? Her question made me smile.   
“How long do you want to be friends?” I said not really answering her question.   
“Forever,” exclaimed Phoebe immediately barely giving me time to finish speaking. I smiled then taking her hand.   
“Then we’ll be friends forever,” I smiled giving her hand a squeeze watching as she returned it almost instantly. I didn’t know how true those words would be. I don’t think I loved Phoebe yet at five years old, but as time passed I would. I would love her with all my heart. She would be the only one I would love throughout my life. Phoebe Nullen would be my best friend, my light when there seemed to be none at all, and my escape. It would be that way from that day forward.


	3. Jerome's First Birthday with Phoebe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerome and Phoebe go to Kansas City for the first time and while they're there they celebrate his birthday.

Phoebe’s POV…

That first day with Jerome lasted until dark. After we finally climbed down from the rocks we ended up playing hide and seek. For some reason I was never able to find Jerome, but he could always find me. It was very nearly the best day of my life. But when it got too dark for us to play we both went home though if Jerome felt like I did neither of us wanted to. We walked back through camp hand in hand. Neither of us had heard either of our parents call our names so we knew we hadn’t been missed, but still that didn’t mean we wouldn’t get a beating when we got home. We wanted to stay together, be happy, and just seeing the smiles we both wore we were happy.   
When we finally arrived at my trailer nothing was said as we only looked at each other. Our smiles we still there, but they weren’t nearly as big as they had been only a few hours before.   
“Today was fun. We’re gonna do it again right,” I whispered feeling as he gave my hand a squeeze.   
“Yeah it was fun. Of course we’re gonna do it again Phoebes. How many times do I have to tell you we’re friends…forever remember,” smiled Jerome giving my hand another squeeze. In that moment I wished we weren’t leaving tomorrow.   
“Where to now, you think,” I said suddenly looking at the ground. But with a tap on the head I was looking at him again. Jerome squeezed my hand then and smiled at me reassuring me instantly.  
“I don’t know, but I’m sure we’ll know when we get there. I gotta go though…before my mom starts screaming, but I’ll see you soon. When I’m not busy I’ll come find you, Phoebes,” whispered Jerome as if sensing my fear then as I thought maybe we wouldn’t. I nodded then watching him go with a wave before looking at the door to my trailer. Finally after standing there a minute I went inside and much to my relief my daddy along with my uncles were already passed out drunk.   
“No beating tonight, “I thought as I tiptoed past each of them praying they wouldn’t wake up only breathing a sign when I reached the safety of my room. That night I thought about Jerome, I thought about the day we had had, and I thought about what we had said. We were gonna be friends forever. Neither of us would ever have to be alone again; now we had a friend in each other. That thought pushed me into happy dreams as I finally fell asleep.   
The next day I was awoken by a swift kick to the knee and when I focused my heavy lidded eyes above me my daddy was standing there.   
“Get the fuck up it’s time to start packing,” growled my daddy his speech already slightly slurred telling me he had already been drinking. When I didn’t move fast enough for him he kicked me again in the stomach this time making me wince. Despite the pain of that then I crawled out of bed not wanting an early morning beating. After I was dressed I made them their breakfast and then I did as I was told packing everything up. I didn’t want to receive another kick or anything worse. Once we were packed and on the road I gathered my courage as I sat there beside my daddy.  
“Daddy…where we going?” I signed looking down at my hands as I played with them in my lap.   
“Why do you care?” snapped my daddy and even though I wasn’t looking at him I could feel his glare.   
“No reason,” I whispered feeling in danger of being hit as he stared at me. I should have known better to ask. I should have just kept my mouth shut and in that moment I thought of the adage curiosity killed the cat. I hoped it wouldn’t kill me. I didn’t expect him to answer me though so it surprised me when he did.   
“We’re headed to Kansas City…now get out of my face,” exclaimed my daddy finally seeming angered at my very existence in that moment. I quickly ran away with a nod not wanting to anger him anymore. After I ran away to hide I don’t know why, but I didn’t like the idea of going to Kansas City. I hadn’t even gotten there yet, but I had this feeling deep in my gut like nothing good could come from that place. But when we got there I treated it like any other city.   
After we arrived and we were all unpacked I didn’t see Jerome. I knew he must be busy doing whatever his mother wanted him to do; my daddy kept me just as busy. Three days went by, I didn’t see Jerome until finally he came, and found me just like he said he would. It was the night of the first circus show and I had just finished coloring when I felt a tap on my forehead. I was used to it by now so I knew immediately it was Jerome. And looking up I was right our smiles matching the second our eyes locked.   
“Hay Phoebes, how ya been?” smiled Jerome plopping down on the ground with me outside my trailer.   
“I’m ok I guess. I’ve been staying out of my daddy’s way,” I whispered my bruises slowly disappearing by this time.   
He nodded his head, but his smile disappeared then at the mention of the way my daddy treated me. I knew he didn’t like it and looking into his eyes I found they had changed. The green had very nearly turned to black as if he was thinking bad thoughts behind them.   
“What do you think of Kansas City?” continued Jerome pulling my discarded coloring book close as he rolled over onto his stomach.   
“I don’t like it,” I exclaimed immediately my answer making him laugh.   
“Why? “laughed Jerome switching out the black crayon he held for a red one.   
“I think something’s gonna happen,” I whispered my voice becoming shaky as I looked down at my dress toying with the hem. Not until Jerome tugged my hand away from it did I look at him again letting him see just how scared I was.   
“What do you mean, Phoebes? Like something bad’s gonna happen to you?” breathed Jerome his smile disappearing.   
“Jerome I’m just scared,” I began my voice wavering as tears gathered in my eyes.   
“I’m scared something bad’s gonna happen…this place it just gives me a very bad feeling I’ve never felt anything like it before,” I cried finally feeling as he squeezed my hand wiping my tears away.   
“Don’t worry Phoebes…nothing’s gonna happen to you. This place soon it’ll be like any other place and even if it isn’t we’ll be gone soon. But I got you ok…now that we’re friends we can protect each other,” whispered Jerome not letting me look away from him as he still held my hand. And looking at him I waited knowing at some point he would make me smile again. That was one thing about Jerome he could always make me smile. He sat Indian style across from me suddenly then as if remembering something important to tell me.   
“So…guess what,” exclaimed Jerome smiling that big smile again making me do the same just like I knew he would.   
“What,” I exclaimed perking up immediately as I gave him my full attention.   
“My Birthday’s in two days,” said Jerome quickly clapping his hands as if this was the best news ever.   
“Really? That’s great, Jerome…I’ll have to get you a present,” I gasped seeing as he suddenly looked at me with wonder in his eyes. Everything was quiet as he stared at me then my hand still in his.   
“You would really do that?” whispered Jerome.   
“Yes, you’re my friend, and friends get each other presents for their birthday. Though it won’t be much,” I explained giving him a smile.   
“It doesn’t matter I’ll like it anyway…I’ve never gotten a present before,” admitted Jerome. I wanted to hug him then, but didn’t think we were close enough yet. Truth be told neither had I.   
My daddy usually forgot when my birthday was and I had stopped reminding him learning quickly that he could care less. And immediately then I started thinking about what to get Jerome for his birthday.   
“Jerome,” screamed his mother’s voice then making us both jump. We looked at each other than as he said a quick goodbye before he ran off in the direction of her voice. And again I felt it, that feeling that something bad was going to happen.   
Jerome’s POV…

On the morning of my birthday the day didn’t seem special at all. The night before as my mother was preparing to go out I had reminded her, but all it had gotten me was a fresh beating. It was my birthday and all my own mother had given me were a few fresh bruises. But I didn’t want to spend it with her anyway; I would spend it like I had spent every day since we had arrived in Kansas City. I would spend it with Phoebe, the girl who was quickly becoming my best friend.   
We had the best time together no matter what we were doing. Life was no longer boring and now I finally had someone to talk to not to mention someone who understood me now. I knew that just by the way Phoebe made me feel. I knew by just looking into her eyes that I could trust her in a way I had never trusted anyone.   
“I should go find Phoebe,” I thought preparing to do that when a knock came at my door. My mother wasn’t home from her night out so I didn’t hesitate to answer it. And when it swung open there stood the very girl I was about to go find.   
She had never come to my trailer before so I was a bit surprised to see her, but only for a moment. I quickly jumped outside to greet her immediately making her laugh.   
“Happy Birthday!” exclaimed Phoebe nearly screaming it at me.   
“Thanks Phoebes,” I smiled sincerely glad someone I had told actually remembered.   
“Can you come out?” whispered Phoebe looking around as if expecting my mother to jump out of nowhere. That was one thing we had in common neither of us liked our parents.  
“Yeah, she’s not back. She left last night and probably won’t be back for a while,” I said slamming the door to emphasis my point. Not a second after these words left my mouth did she grab my hand and we were off. Smiles were plastered on our faces as we went and I bombarded her with questions wanting to know what we were doing. But she hadn’t thought it out that far yet only knowing where we were going. She had yet to decide what we would be doing. And then suddenly we were there.   
“I don’t have everything planned out, but I got you a present just like I said I would,” explained Phoebe letting go of my hand finally when we arrived in the clearing we had only found the day before yesterday. Sitting on the ground not far from where she stood was the very present she had mentioned. Phoebe pulled me to sit in the dead grass with her and grinning widely at me she thrust the gift into my hands.   
“It’s just something I made, but I hope you like it,” whispered Phoebe watching me closely waiting for me to open it. But I waited just staring at it. It was the first birthday gift I had ever gotten and staring down at the newspaper wrapping I smiled. It meant all the more that she had made it.   
“Are you gonna open it?” asked Phoebe finally letting me know just how nervous she was that I wouldn’t like it. I smiled at her then before looking back at it gently pulling the wrapping away revealing it little by little. And when I saw it I gasped because not only was it really cool, but it had meaning too. It was a small collection of rocks all glued together to make a big mound. It was a miniature version of the very rocks we had climbed.   
“Do you like it?” asked Phoebe her voice sounding unsure. I looked at her then a smile covering my face. I had the overwhelming urge to do something then, something I had never ever done to anyone before, mainly because I didn’t want to. But looking at her I wanted to right then.   
“I don’t like it Phoebes…I love it. It’s really cool,” I smiled setting my present aside in that moment to take her hand. Suddenly I pulled her into a hug and as I held her I could tell she was just as surprised as I was. But then she hugged me back.   
“Thank you,” I breathed still hugging her.   
“You’re welcome,” breathed Phoebe right back ending the hug as she pulled away. We looked at each other for a long time, we didn’t need to say anything; the smiles on our faces said it all. Sitting there afterwards we weren’t sure what to do, she hadn’t thought it out that far, but I wasn’t mad for that. She had just given me the best birthday ever. And sitting there still I knew suddenly what we could do.  
“Tag, you’re it,” I chanted jumping away from her suddenly as soon as the game begun. Phoebe squealed immediately running after me.   
Our game lasted that whole day; it was the best day ever until a scream rang through the air stopping us both, and ending the game immediately.  
“Phoebe,” screamed her father we could both tell his speech was slurred even from here. We both knew then that we would have to go home now. Taking her hand I pulled her along behind me on our way home, but then suddenly she pulled away running back in the other direction.   
“You almost forgot your present,” whispered Phoebe looking at me as we walked slow as she shoved the rock into my hand. We stayed silent then our pace still slow because neither of us wanted to actually go home, but then just as we were entering the camp her father’s voice sounded again. And it wasn’t until then that we finally parted ways going to our perspective trailers. When I got to my trailer I hesitated a moment before going inside.   
As usual my mother was drunk sitting on an unfamiliar man’s lap doing what she did best. She was being a complete and utter whore. She was fucking a man with a snake tattoo and as I entered the trailer they didn’t even notice me. And they probably never would have if I hadn’t closed the door the hinges creaking from the many times I had slammed it. And then their eyes were on me.   
“Why you little pervert,” snapped my mother quickly coming towards me grabbing me by the hair dragging me towards her male companion. I heard the clink of his belt as he wrapped it around his wrist and as she held me down slamming my head into the floor from time to time he began to beat me both of them laughing the whole time. This went on for the longest time though it could have only seemed that way to me. By the end of it I was hurting all over, my mom had ripped out some of my hair, and my lip was bloodied from my face being smashed into the floor. But when they were done they just stepped over me going to the bedroom to continue fucking. My mother didn’t even care if I was lying there dead on the floor. When I finally managed to pick myself up from the floor I knew I couldn’t stay there. I was afraid they would come back out and beat me some more. So I bolted from the trailer running as fast as I could back to the clearing at least there I was somewhat safe. Once I got back to the clearing I collapsed in the grass finally crying. I cried until suddenly I heard footsteps in the grass. Looking all around me then I searched for the source of that sound relief flooding my senses when my eyes landed on Phoebe. I instantly knew what had happened to me had happened to her too. She was crying, her nose was bleeding, and I could see red angry handprints on her skin. Slowly she approached the spot where I lay and looking at me she sat with me. Not a word was said as we lay there in the warm grass together. I wanted to ask her what happened, but I didn’t. She would tell me when she wanted to, I knew she would, and I would tell her what happened to me. I felt her take my hand then giving it a squeeze, I squeezed right back as I closed my eyes. We ended up falling asleep in the clearing. As we did I knew two things for sure. One, my birthday was definitely over, and two, Phoebe was my best friend.


	4. Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerome realizes something and Phoebe tells him something that inspires him.

Phoebe’s POV...  
6 years later

Nights like that would be scattered throughout our lives. Beatings would be a lingering ghost in both our lives and I don’t think we would have known happiness at all if we had never met. From the moment we met we were inseparable. During this particular time we were twelve. Like every day, Jerome picked me up at my trailer though this day was different. He wouldn’t let me see his face and just as I was about to comment on that he took my hand. The smile was completely gone from him that was especially true when I heard the sound of his voice; it was distant as he took my hand holding it tighter than he ever had. I didn’t need to guess what would come next because like he always did he dragged me along behind him.   
“What’s going on, Jerome, where are we going?” I asked my eyes glued to the back of his head. I wanted him to look at me. I wanted him to say something, but he remained quieter then I had ever heard him. It scared me; it really scared me because I didn’t know what had happened to make him like this. Jerome wouldn’t answer any of my questions, he led me through the circus, and I didn’t get the answer of where we were going until his trailer came into view. It was like an ominous silver grave stone as we approached it. I hated this place just as much as I hated my own home. Which is why I didn’t understand why we were moving towards it at such a speed.   
“Jerome, why are we here?” I whispered as he opened the door pulling me inside for the first time. Until now I had never stepped passed the doorway, so when I found myself inside for the first time I was more than a little nervous.   
“Jerome?” I whispered staring at his back. Even though this was my first time inside his home I didn’t look away from him. I didn’t care about anything, but him in that moment.   
He let go of my hand then taking a few steps forward still silent until suddenly he turned.  
“Jerome,” I breathed looking at him with wide eyes rushing to his side. Jerome was covered in bruises from the neck up. I had seen him covered in bruises before, but never like that. It looked like someone, probably his mother, or one of her lovers, had tried to kill him.   
“Are you alright?” I whispered moving to touch his neck.   
I never got the chance though; he flinched away before I could.   
“She was bored,” said Jerome not needing to say anything else.   
“I didn’t want to be alone…so I,” began Jerome before I cut in.   
“So you came and got me. You know you can always do that for any reason,” I whispered giving him a hug. I understood what was going on in his head. The thoughts that were going through his mind because they went through mine every time my dad beat up on me. And looking at him, I knew he knew that, that was why he had come to me at all. I was the only one who understood him in this whole circus.   
“Do you want to talk?” I asked watching as slowly the look in his eyes changed a hint of a smile appearing finally on his face.   
“Maybe later,” smiled Jerome his eyes sparkling. I knew it was because deep down he knew he could tell me everything, that I was the only one he would ever tell anything to. Where we couldn’t depend on anybody else, we could always know together we would survive. I told him everything. He told me everything. That was the way it would always be; the two of us together.   
I hugged him still feeling as he hugged me back his head on my shoulder. I don’t know how long we stayed interlocked like that, but when he pulled away I looked into his eyes seeing vulnerability in them I had never seen before. It was a vulnerability I wouldn’t see as time passed because though Jerome was always strong, much stronger than me, as time went on he would rise. He would rise and be the strongest person I had ever met. Jerome finally took my hand squeezing it as he smiled at me with his eyes. He led me further into the trailer then his usual electricity still not there. I was determined that before I left this trailer then that I would make him smile with that fever that he usually always had. Jerome sat in a heap on the couch pulling me down next to him and still holding my hand nothing was said. And I didn’t push him to say anything; he would tell me when he was ready. I don’t know how long it lasted, us staring straight ahead with me gently waiting when suddenly there was a weight on my shoulder.   
“Thanks,” whispered Jerome laying his head on my shoulder his hair tickling my ear.   
“For what…I haven’t done anything,” I smiled looking down at him only to find him already looking at me.   
“For always being there…you’re the only one who always has. You’re the only one I can trust; you’re the only one who has my back,” answered Jerome scooting closer to me.   
“I did everything she wanted, but it still wasn’t good enough. I did the dishes, I cleaned the whole damn place, and still she beat me, Phoebes. I try and I try to make her love me, I try, but she hates me,” whispered Jerome his silence breaking. I placed my hand on his cheek in that moment in the most soothing way. I leaned my head to the side touching his and though I knew he wouldn’t cry I did. I did it for him. His venomous words repeating in my head as he got dead silent again gripping my hand now damn near painfully. I cried for him as I tried to think of something to say to make it better. But I knew nothing would make it better, I knew from experience that nothing could suppress the pain of knowing the one person who was supposed to love you would not.   
“Neither of us will ever have our parents love, Jerome, but we can make up for that. You watch Jerome, you’re gonna be a star someday, a shining star, someday you will be somewhere far greater than this circus making the world yours. You will get her in the end,” I smiled looking down into his eyes giving his hand a squeeze. My words brought a twinkle to his eye as he stared at me the words I spoke completely unexpected. I think he had expected me to say something different, to tell him he was wrong, and for a minute I had considered that. But that would be a lie and I never lied to him. Everybody else, yes, but Jerome, no. We sat there heads together then and slowly I felt the bubbly happiness returning to Jerome.   
We didn’t need to say anything. The silence was welcome as we stayed perfectly intertwined. But then he did something I had long since gotten used to. Jerome tapped my forehead making me laugh a full belly laugh my eyes landing on him. And this time the Jerome I saw was the Jerome I had known these past six years; the Jerome who was so filled with energy it was scary sometimes.   
“What?” I laughed looking at him with a glint in my eye.   
“Phoebes, you’re my best friend,” exclaimed Jerome his face all too serious.   
His declaration surprised me, I had known this since our five year old days, but never had I expected him to actually tell me such a thing. We stared at each other the smile I wore reaching my eyes. Squeezing his hand, I brought my forehead to his, and peering into his little frog eyes I smiled nearly as big as him. But I couldn’t quite reach his smile that was impossible.   
“You’re my best friend too, Jerome,” I smiled holding his hand a little tighter.   
But the moment was cut short with his mother’s witch’s cackle and rising to a stand we stood side by side. The whore appeared with a creak as the door opened and god how I hated her especially after seeing what she had done to him. She was dressed as scantily clad as ever and she wasn’t alone as usual. Like always she was with a man and neither of us was surprised by who it was. That man was my father his hulking form looming over us as he appeared behind her. His hands were already inside her dress fondling her and even when he saw us there he didn’t stop. Neither of them cared whether we were there or not. He moved away from Lila then coming towards us with a gait that told us what would happen before it did.   
There was nowhere we could have run. There was nothing we could have done. Soon his fat appendages were on us forcing us toward the door flinging us out. We landed face forward in the dirt and as we did I couldn’t help, but remember the first time Jerome and I met. Jerome must have been thinking of that too. Suddenly I heard him laughing that roar of a laugh I loved and turning to him I didn’t know why. We had just been flung in the dirt and he was laughing? Watching him I looked at him as he laid in the dirt his smile on in full force. Jerome was in hysterics his laughter ringing through the circus like thunder and the more I watching him the more confused I became. I just couldn’t understand why he was laughing; what was there to laugh about?   
“Are you alright?” I exclaimed rising to my hands and knees. Jerome just continued to laugh, his body rolling around as he held his hands to his stomach. I stared at him still utterly confused until suddenly I found myself laughing with him. I didn’t know why I was laughing any more then I knew why he was. But nonetheless I was laughing too though I was holding it in far better than him.   
“Jerome, why are we laughing?” I exclaimed his laughter having caught me making it nearly impossible for me to stop.   
“Phoebes…I keep finding myself being thrown into the dirt. With you,” laughed Jerome still rolling around on the ground. Eventually though he stopped, his breathing heavy as he sighed looking at me as he rolled onto his stomach. His hands propped up his head as he gazed at me then his smile returning as wide as I had ever seen it. I loved that it was directed at me.   
Slinking down on my stomach just like him, I propped my own head on my elbow my eyes peering into his. I think we both remembered then that first encounter we had in the dirt because our smiles widened.   
“As long as it’s with you I don’t mind,” I whispered reaching across to take his hand.   
“Me neither,” smiled Jerome using that hand to pull me up as he made it swiftly to his feet giving me a wink as he led we away as was his way.   
He was always pulling me along somewhere, but I was always willing to go wherever he led me. We ended up believe it or not sitting in a lonely tree our branches barely separated as we stared up at the sky. It was a serene beautiful sky even when it drew in on itself becoming night. If anything it was better after that.  
“Hear that Phoebes?” whispered Jerome swinging my hand back and forth as he held it.   
“Yeah,” I smiled listening to the silence of the night, the very thing he was referring to. It was why we loved the night, it was the only time the world was truly peaceful, it was the only time the world lacked its terror, but also the only time when shadows could come out to hide in the peace. The world itself was a dark place, but it was a different kind of dark now. It was a darkness we loved now that we had learned to embrace it instead of fearing it.   
We chatted about random things like this all night our hands connecting us like wires keeping us alive. Our topics ranged from everything, to nothing, and even when we were silent in a way we were still connected seeming to read each other’s thoughts. We had long since had a connection, a connection that had sustained us all this time, and would continue to do so every day of our lives. We had fallen into a long silence when suddenly in that moment he said something that made me smile.   
“I’m gonna be somebody, Phoebes. Someday, she will be nobody, but the whole world will know my name. People will know my name,” exclaimed Jerome the last part coming out so low that I nearly didn’t hear him. I squeezed his hand then as I rested my head on his shoulder this time. When he turned his head to look at me expecting me to confirm his prediction, I was already looking at him our roles from before switching, and smiling at him I touched his cheek.  
“Yes, I know, I believe in you, Jerome. I know you will be somebody, that you will be famous; a name no one can forget. I have absolute faith that you will show her just how much better you are then her. Just promise me you won’t forget me when you’re a big star and I’m a little nobody,” I smiled laying my head on his shoulder again with a sigh. I could see him then out of the corner of my eye watching me the life I pictured for him playing out in his mind as it did mine. But then he smiled at me gently tapping my forehead drawing my attention yet again.   
“How could I forget about you, Phoebes? You’re my best friend, when I become somebody big I’m taking you with me. You’re the only one I can trust,” explained Jerome kissing my forehead like he had done only a few times before. His words made me smile and as he winked at me holding my hand tighter as our eyes returned to the darkness I realized something. Jerome and I were stuck together. We had been since that night in Kansas City and smiling as my head returned to his shoulder I realized I didn’t mind that. I was happy with him, he was happy with me, we were happy together; what more could we ask for in a world like ours. Jerome was my only happiness just as I was his because of that I would never tire of being stuck with him. He was my best friend. That was my destiny, I knew that even then. That fact didn’t bother me, not then, not now; it would never bother me.


	5. Without You

Jerome’s POV…

After I finally realized it, the truth, that my mother would never love me, Phoebe’s words echoed in my head. She had said I was going to be a star. That I was meant to be greater than my mother had ever been. That everyone would know my name and each echo filled me with a dream I had never had before. But with so much more than that too; they filled me with a determination I couldn’t remember having before. I had complete and utter faith that I would be a star. My name would be on people’s lips in hushed whispers and my face would grace the front pages of magazines and newspapers; I would be a star. And when that time came I would keep my promise to Phoebe too. I would do as I said I would as we sat in that tree a mere limb apart. Phoebe would be will me through it all. She would be with me, she would watch me become a star, and as she was now she would be the only true friend I would have. The only real person I could trust. But one thing was true about this dream. It would never come true if I stayed in that circus. Of that I was absolutely sure and even though I was twelve years old I began to make my plans. Plans to leave the circus in search of that dream.  
The only way I was going to make it was if I left, if I found a new beginning, and I wanted to take Phoebe with me. But would she go? Phoebe hated the circus as much as I did, but she was a little more rational then me even at twelve. How were two twelve year olds supposed to survive on their own? But it wasn’t just that. She had grown since our five year old days, she was stronger, wiser, but there were parts of her that were still scared. Scared of her dad, scared of the other circus performers; scared in a way that had died in me at age nine. Over the years I had watched Phoebe try to kill her fear as I had done, but she just couldn’t manage it. That was why we needed each other, why I needed her as she needed me; apart we were lacking, but together we were perfect, we had everything we needed to survive.   
Sitting there in the trailer with only the sound of my mother fucking someone in my ears, I considered what I would do if she didn’t want to leave with me. If she didn’t want to go, if she wouldn’t leave with me than what would I do? Would I stay? Would I go? It took me a long time to decide, but in the end I made the toughest decision, that whatever happened I was going. But that wasn’t my only decision that day. The other one was much easier to make. I decided that even if she wouldn’t leave with me, if I was forced to leave without her I would come back for her. I would keep my promise because I couldn’t leave Phoebe. Though then I wouldn’t admit it, she was my everything. She was all I had and all I would ever need.   
When I could take it no more, the sound of my mother’s fucking overwhelming me I took what little I owned that mattered, and I left the trailer for what I thought would be the last time. My steps were slow as I walked to Phoebe’s trailer stopping just before I reached it. The thought that she wouldn’t go with me wouldn’t leave me. It haunted me, scared me because part of me wasn’t sure what I’d do without her there to whisper words of wisdom into my ears when I needed them most. But it wasn’t just that. I didn’t want to say goodbye to her. I wanted her by my side always because she was my best friend and while I didn’t give a damn for anyone else; she mattered to me. More than anyone else ever had. And if I was forced to leave her here I would miss her every day.   
“Please say yes,” I breathed with a sigh as I began to move once more towards Phoebe’s trailer.  
“Jerome,” exclaimed Phoebe when I came into view. She was already outside her trailer waiting for me. The minute she saw me a grin as big as the full moon graced her lips and she didn’t waste a second coming to my side.   
“What are we doing today?” continued Phoebe as she joined me. Almost immediately my hand was in hers and I was looking into her eyes part of me photographing them into memory. And gripping her hand tighter, it took me a minute to find the words I wanted to say. I was scared; scared of what she would say. Scared of the answer she would give. And looking at her still I could see my silence puzzled her, but I wasn’t ready to say it yet. To even ask her yet. Part of me knew the longer I stayed quiet the longer I could just stand there with her, the longer I could keep from finding out if I would be saying goodbye to her, or not.   
“Today, we’re leaving the circus, if you’ll go with me that is. I want you to go with me, Phoebe, but if you won’t I’m still going. I can’t stay here anymore. I’ll never be a star like you said if I stay here. Please Phoebe, I’m asking you to please, come with me,” I exclaimed setting my little plastic bag of things on the ground to take her other hand. I hoped she would answer right away with a yes, but she didn’t. She only looked at me and I could tell she knew I was right. But I also knew she was torn between wanting to run off with me and being rational. I peered into her eyes still having to use all my strength to hold in my tears because I suddenly had the overwhelming feeling that she was going to say no. Phoebe would say no and then we would have to say goodbye.   
“Please Phoebes, don’t make me leave you here,” I whispered suddenly pulling her close into a hug. As she hugged me back I could already feel the tears leaving her eyes and they practically screamed her answer at me.   
“Come with me, Phoebes,” I breathed in her ear feeling as she pulled away looking into my eyes with her tear stained ones. I knew her answer then without her saying it and I wanted so much to change her mind.   
“I can’t, Jerome. As much as I would love to go with you, I can’t. You have to go, you’re right about that, but I can’t go with you. You’re meant for bigger things then this circus and you need to go to achieve those things. So go, without me, and know I’m always here in your corner. And maybe, at least I hope, we’ll see each other again,” cried Phoebe her arms wrapping around me. Her words sunk in and I held her tight part of me trying to imagine a life without her there by my side every day. It wasn’t a pleasing life.   
I didn’t say anything then and neither did she. We just stood there in the tightest hug we had ever shared. And then I heard it. I heard as she began to openly sob. The sound made me hold her tighter and part of me really wanted to cry with her. But I couldn’t, that would be weak, and I had to be strong not just for her, but for me.   
“How can I change your mind?” I whispered suddenly looking down at her watching as she smiled through her tears. It was in that moment that I wished more than anything that I could just stuff her in my bag with everything else because I knew I couldn’t change her mind.   
“Please come with me. You wouldn’t have to worry about anything; I’d take care of you. We could take care of each other like we always have,” I smiled gripping her hands with a grip that was nearly finger breaking. Phoebe smiled at me then the tears still streaming down her face and suddenly she was holding my face in her hands. She had never done that before and if anybody else had done it I would have flung them away. The mere fact that it was Phoebe changed that as I focused completely on her. And I couldn’t help thinking that she would always be my best friend no matter where I went. She would always be my Phoebe, my Phoebes, and I promised again to come back for her.   
“I can’t go with you, Jerome. I would only hold you back. As much as I know you would take care of me, you don’t need to be worrying about that. All you need to worry about is taking care of yourself and becoming the star I know you will be. I don’t want to hold you back, so I want you to go. Please go and show everyone just how great you are,” exclaimed Phoebe letting go of my hands to dry her eyes.   
“No Phoebes, we’re stronger together. I’m stronger with you,” I said shaking my head.   
“Please Jerome; trust me when I say you’re better off. Just please go without me. Go be what you’re meant to be,” whispered Phoebe.   
“I’m gonna miss you, Phoebes. Will you walk with me to the edge of the circus, please,” I pleaded giving her another hug. It was slowly sinking in that nothing I said would make her change her mind. Phoebe didn’t say anything more as her arms encircled me tightly. I could tell she didn’t want to let go any more than I did. And then our eyes met as she nodded pulling away so only our hands kept us connected. I led her away then as I had been doing since we were five. Part of me wondered what she would do when I wasn’t around to lead her from place to place.   
“Walk slow,” whispered Phoebe as we began on our final walk together and I smiled as I did so. I didn’t want our time together to end. But all too soon it did end. All too soon we were at the edge of the circus standing on a dirt road. Phoebe hugged me again, this time tighter than ever, and I wasn’t eager to let go.   
“Don’t forget about me. I won’t forget about you; I’ll miss you every day,” cried Phoebe burying her head in my shoulder. Leaning closer to her I kissed her cheek something I’d never done before that moment and slowly I nodded. The idea of such a thing was silly. How could I forget about my Phoebe even for a day?   
“I won’t, I promise. Just don’t go changing on me while I’m gone,” I whispered moving a tear wetted strand of hair out of her face as I pulled away to look at her. It took everything within me then not to cry.   
“I promise you Phoebes, I will come back to save you from this place. You will see me again and until you do know I’ll be missing you too. Every day; you’ll always be my best friend,” I whispered pulling her extra close our foreheads touching. Peering into her eyes, I didn’t have to tell her I was sincere; she knew just by the look in my eyes that I was.   
“And you’ll always be mine. Now, go, go be a star like I know you can be,” breathed Phoebe giving the hand she still held one last squeeze. I smiled my signature smile at her then as I nodded pulling away just for a moment before pulling her close once more. Gently I kissed her forehead as if to protect her while I was gone and looking at her one last time I let go of her hands. And when I picked up my bag beginning to walk away from her it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I didn’t look back for the longest time, but when I finally did I couldn’t see her anymore. I wished I could, but turning I kept walking.   
“I miss you already,” I thought as I continued to move quickly down the dirt road. With each step Phoebe filled my thoughts, her face was a constant image in my head, and her words of inspiration kept me walking.   
“ You’re gonna be a star someday, a shining star, someday you will be somewhere greater than this circus making the world yours,” Phoebe had said the memory of those words kept me moving.   
“ I know you will be somebody, that you will be famous; a name no one can forget. I have absolute faith that you will show her just how much better you are then her,” she had said the memory keeping me moving, but also making me miss her even more. But then suddenly the very words I had spoken were filling my brain. They stopped me altogether and they made an image of a very dead Phoebe enter my mind. It was an image I found brought very real tears to my eyes.   
“ Phoebes, you’re my best friend, when I become somebody big I’m taking you with me,” I had told her that. I had tried to get her to come with me and I had meant what I said. I would come back for her, but a thought entered my mind then. What if she wasn’t there to go back to? What if something happened to Phoebe? What if her father, or her uncles finally beat her to death, and I wasn’t there to stop it? What if I wasn’t there to protect her? It was that thought and that image that made me turn back. I would have to find a way to be somebody while still at the circus. I couldn’t leave Phoebe, not just because I needed her, but she needed me. She needed me to protect her.  
Phoebe was the strongest, wisest person I knew, but she couldn’t protect herself from her father let alone her uncles. She didn’t even fight back when they beat her, she just took it, and ran away when it was over. She hadn’t learned yet to fight back the way I had. Phoebe just wasn’t ready to fight back, not yet, and until she was she needed me to protect her. To keep them from beating her until they killed her. When I arrived back at the circus everything was dark, unmoving, and though I hoped no one had noticed my absence I didn’t have much faith in the idea. I didn’t have that much good luck. I probably should have gone to my own trailer, but I didn’t want to. I needed to see Phoebe. I needed to make sure she was alright.   
“I haven’t been gone that long, she’s gotta be ok still,” I thought as her trailer came into view. It was as dark as the rest of the circus, but it was accompanied by an eerie tint that I couldn’t explain. The trailer was surrounded by bales of hay and climbing on top of one I peered through the window in search of my phoebe. Through the window I saw her dad and uncles already passed out drunk for the night, but I didn’t see Phoebe. Continuing to the next set of windows, I finally found her curled into a ball in her bed on the floor, and the sight of her increased my fear. It was clear from the shake of her shoulders that she was crying.   
“Phoebes,” I whispered a frown on my face as I lightly tapped on the window. When I finally gained her attention, she looked shocked to see me, but happy nonetheless. And with one motion she was creeping out of the trailer standing just across from me. I immediately saw the difference in her. She was the one covered in bruises this time, not to mention both her nose and lip were bleeding.   
“What happened?” I exclaimed loudly moving to touch her cheek.   
“When they noticed you were gone they came looking for you here. They didn’t believe me when I said I hadn’t seen you all day,” frowned Phoebe and looking at me we both knew that was all she needed to say. We both knew why they had beaten her, they thought she was lying, and she had been. She had had my back like always.   
“What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be going somewhere to be a star. Why’d you come back?” whispered Phoebe taking a step in front of me. She took my hands in hers then and staring straight at her I couldn’t believe I had even considered leaving her behind. We were one in the same; I couldn’t leave, not without her.   
A silence fell then as I considered my answer; in the end the truth was all I could give.   
“I couldn’t leave you, Phoebes. I missed you too much. That and I didn’t want to come back to find they had hurt you, or even killed you. I just couldn’t leave you,” I explained smiling down at her as I hugged her. I may not have been gone that long, but I had missed her all the same. I kissed her cheek again then feeling as she hugged me back, but then she was looking up at me with those eyes I just couldn’t deny.   
“But you can’t be a star here. I told you I don’t wanna hold you back,” whispered Phoebe the look in her eyes the perfect mixture of happy and sad.   
“Yes, I can, I’ll find a way, Phoebes. You’re not holding me back, you’re making me better,” I smiled down at her then kissing her forehead as I pulled her back into our hug. Looking at her then I didn’t have to say it. My eyes said it all, there was no way I was leaving her behind. And after a moment she didn’t argue with me, she only laid her head on my shoulder as our hug continued; in that moment we were both complete in a way we didn’t quite understand yet. I didn’t let her go back into her trailer that night. Instead we slept in the warm night air beneath the stars on the bales of hay beneath her window. Lying there, we faced each other still holding hands, and finally she smiled.   
“I missed you, Jerome,” breathed Phoebe her eyes blinking sleepily.   
“I missed you too, Phoebes,” I smiled giving her hand a squeeze. We fell asleep then beneath the stars and though we never said it we made a vow. A vow to stick together come what may and neither of us ever broke it.


	6. My Better Half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jerome and Phoebe have a heart to heart.

Phoebe’s POV…

After Jerome came back I was happy, I really was, he was all I really had at that circus that really mattered. My uncles, my dad, they didn’t give a damn about me, and I didn’t really care for them. But Jerome was different; he meant the world to me. He was my best friend.   
“I missed you, Jerome,” I whispered that first morning when we woke up side by side on the bales of hay. But despite that one tiny nagging thought continued to plague me. I was holding him back and I didn’t want to do that.   
“You’re gonna be a star someday,” I remembered telling him and I knew it to be true. But I remembered what he said too. How he was going to find a way to be a star while still here at the circus, but I wasn’t so sure he could. Not here, I was afraid this place would kill any chance he had at greatness.   
“He only came back because of me. If he fails it will be all my fault,” I thought the guilt of that nearly suffocating me. I was holding him back, he was the great one, and little unimportant me was holding him back. That was the last thing I wanted to do even as much as I never wanted him to go. I wanted us to be together forever, but not at the price of his stardom.   
I didn’t let him see how guilty I felt. I knew he would deny it, that I was holding him back; Jerome would never do anything to hurt me. But like he always did Jerome saw it anyway. I don’t know how, but he did. It was a day like any we had ever spent together when he noticed. Jerome and I were walking the circus ground hand in hand as we always did. Jerome was talking though I didn’t hear a word he said, I couldn’t stop thinking about him leaving, and deep down I couldn’t help it. I knew he never should have come back; he was better off away from this place. All I could think about was what he might be doing if he didn’t come back for me.   
“Phoebes are you listening to me?” said Jerome noticing immediately that I wasn’t paying attention to him. When I didn’t answer him Jerome didn’t say anything more. Instead he merely stared at me, his eyes searching for whatever it was that was bothering me. He always thought he could fix all my problems; he liked making me happy. And he did, he always made me so happy.   
“Phoebe?” said Jerome letting go of my hand. But still I kept walking not noticing as he did this. I was still lost deep within my head.   
“Phoebe,” exclaimed Jerome still trying for my attention, but I didn’t hear a word. I wouldn’t even look at him; I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe he’d have been better off if he’d never met me. He could have left without a worry in the world if he didn’t have me to think about. I hated myself in that moment for holding him back. All thoughts even that one left my mind though when I found myself colliding with something that turned out to be the very source of my thoughts. I walked right into Jerome when he stepped in front of me hoping to bring me out of my head. It worked because the second I walked into him I was brought back to earth.   
I nearly fell to the ground, but his hands shot forward grabbing my shoulders before I could.   
“Jerome?” I exclaimed looking up into his blue green eyes.   
“Thank god, you’re finally paying me some attention,” smiled Jerome his hands staying firm on my shoulders as he looked down at me. I knew from just the tone of his voice that he was trying to make me laugh and smile the way he always did, but as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I only continued to look at him. What could I say? I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking.   
“Phoebes? Would you please say something?” exclaimed Jerome his smile slowly disappearing.   
“Sorry, I was just thinking about something. What else do you want me to say, Jerome?” I sighed refusing to look at him. Instead I stared at the ground not sure what else could be said. I knew if I told him the truth he would only deny it; if it were me I would have done the same. But Jerome knew me too well. He knew whatever was on my mind wasn’t good and tilting my chin up to meet his gaze he wasn’t afraid to push me into telling him.   
“What were you thinking about?” whispered Jerome his eyes searching mine.   
“Nothing important, just thinking is all,” I whispered finding it difficult to look him in the eye. I tried to look away then, but Jerome was much stronger than me. He made me keep looking at him, I didn’t like the look in his eyes; he didn’t look mad, he looked hurt. I hated myself more than because I had hurt my Jerome; that was the last thing I would ever want to do.   
“Phoebe, why are you lying to me? You’ve never done that before. Why start now?” exclaimed Jerome the hurt clear in his voice. I didn’t answer him, I knew I should tell him that I wasn’t lying, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because that would be just another lie and I hated that I had lied to him in the first place. I vowed in that moment to never do it again. But it was more than that. I still didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t tell him the truth, I just couldn’t. But not just because I knew what he would say. Part of me was so afraid that Jerome would suddenly realize that I was right. That he would realize that and I would wake up one day to find he had left again. Only this time he wouldn’t say goodbye to me, he would just leave, and I would never see him again. As much as I knew he would be better off without me, I still didn’t want him to go. He was my best friend and I didn’t want to lose him. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost him.   
Jerome didn’t say anything more; instead he stared down at me both of us completely silent. After a moment his hands left my face, but his eyes did not. We just stood there staring at each other and as much as I wanted to say something to him, anything to him, I still couldn’t. Suddenly his hand was in mine though as he dragged me along behind him to somewhere only he knew.   
Jerome’s POV…  
“Jerome, where are we going?” exclaimed Phoebe running to keep up with me. But I didn’t answer her. I just continued to walk forward her hand held tight in mine. We moved through the camp, I couldn’t talk to her here, I had to find out what was wrong with her, and that couldn’t happen here. We had to go somewhere where she felt safe and that definitely wasn’t in that camp. No one looked our way; they were used to seeing me dragging Phoebe along behind me.   
“Jerome?” said Phoebe looking desperately up at me as we left the camp descending into the trees just beyond it. I still didn’t answer her, I wouldn’t talk to her until we got where I wanted us to be. There I would question her, I would find out what was wrong, and why she was lying to me about it. I would make her happy again.   
Despite what she said I knew it wasn’t nothing, something was wrong with Phoebe. What I didn’t understand was why she wouldn’t tell me about it. Phoebe and I never kept anything from each other. Since the day we had met we told each other everything, every secret, every bad thing our parents did to us that we weren’t supposed to talk about. But today she didn’t tell me, instead she chose to lie. She lied to me and that was something neither of us had ever done before. At least not to each other.   
“Jerome please…stop and talk to me a minute,” said Phoebe from behind me, but I couldn’t because I was still hurt, hurt she had lied to me. The fact that she had lied to me, me of all people just hurt me; it would be something we would talk about when we got to our destination. Until then I didn’t say a word to her even as she tried again and again to make me break my silence. There was a lake just outside our camp site that was where I decided to take her; I figured it would be a good place where we could talk without our parents screaming at us as an interruption. It was a really beautiful place, nearly as beautiful as Phoebe herself. Phoebe and I had found it the day after we arrived and when we got there I walked her to the rocks near the shallow side of the water.   
“Sit down,” I said looking at her now.   
“Jerome, what’s going on?” whispered Phoebe looking up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes I loved so much.   
“Sit down,” I repeated motioning for her to do so. This time Phoebe did as I asked. Sitting down on one of the rocks she looked up at me still her eyes pleading with me to tell her what was going on. In that moment I wanted more than anything to be mad at her. To be mad at her for not wanting to tell me something. To be mad at her for not trusting me with whatever it was she was hiding, but unfortunately it was Phoebe. I could never stay mad at my Phoebe. Phoebe wouldn’t stop looking up at me with those eyes though; she just wouldn’t stop, so in the end it was those eyes of hers that did me in. It was those eyes that made sure I couldn’t stay mad at her.   
Finally I sat on a rock by her side not looking at her at first, but when I did I couldn’t hide the hurt.   
“What’s going on, Phoebes?” I whispered not having to tell her what I meant. She looked into my eyes and she knew. She could read me as well as I could read her. I needed to know what was going on with her, so then I could fix it. She was my best friend. She was the only one that really mattered to me and I wanted her to be happy. But in order for her to be happy I needed her to tell me what the hell was going on. Phoebe remained silent still for a long time. I didn’t know what I had to do to make her speak up and tell me. Slowly her eyes left mine looking into the lake water admiring her own reflection. In that moment I wished more than anything that I could read her thoughts, it would make this a whole lot easier.   
“Phoebe, please talk to me,” I whispered finally taking her hand to intertwine our fingers. When I did it she looked at me, our eyes meeting again, only then did I see tears gathering in hers.   
“Come here…please don’t cry, Phoebes. Just tell me whatever it is then we can fix it together like we always do,” I exclaimed pulling her into my arms feeling as her shoulders shook with her tears.   
“Jerome—,” cried Phoebe as she moved closer her head falling onto my shoulder.   
“I’m so sorry, please forgive me,” gasped Phoebe hiding her face in my shoulder more. Her hand gripped mine in that moment as she sobbed more and more leaving me there to simply hold her. So that’s what I did, I held her, and I tried to think of a way to get her to stop crying.   
Her words stumped me instantly because I didn’t know why she was apologizing or why she was crying. Still holding her hand tight, I put my other arm around her comforting her as she cried even though I really didn’t know how. I had never been good with crying or tears especially when it came to her.   
“Please stop crying, Phoebes,” I whispered rocking her back and forth in a soothing way because I didn’t know what else to do. I hated it when she cried, she was my Phoebe, and thanks to her father she cried a lot sometimes. And I still wasn’t good at soothing her; all I knew to do was hold her and whisper nice things to her. In my opinion I could do a lot more; I liked making her happy, so I should be better at cheering her up when she’s sad.   
“What’s wrong, Phoebe. Tell me so I can make it better. I just want to make you happy again,” I pleaded looking down at her. I did everything I knew to do in that moment. I stroked her head, her back, I held her close, and begged her to stop crying. But Phoebe just sat there with me crying her eyes out and I had no idea why. I had no idea why and all I wanted to do was make it better.   
“I’m sorry,” said Phoebe repeating it over and over her entire body shaking. I made her look at me then, even with her face covered in tears, and puffy red she was still beautiful.   
“What are you sorry for? You have nothing to be sorry about, Phoebes. Please tell me,” I said my voice laced with desperation as I wiped away at her tears with my sleeve. We stared into each other’s eyes in that moment, she still didn’t say a thing, but she stopped crying. I figured that was a start. I smiled at her then making her return it just the tiniest bit.   
Phoebe pulled me into a hug and with her lips next to my ear she gave me the answer I had been looking for all along.   
“I’m holding you back, Jerome. I’m holding you back and I’m so sorry for it. I want you to go be a star, but as long as I’m here you can’t leave this place to be one. I’m keeping you here, I’m so sorry, so sorry, Jerome. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy…please believe that,” exclaimed Phoebe making me pull away from her almost instantly our eyes meeting hers still filled with tears while mine were filled with disbelief. In that moment I finally knew what was bothering her and it only made me pull her back into another hug? What she said couldn’t have been farther from the truth and I would make sure she knew that. I would make sure she not only knew it, but never forgot it.   
Looking at her after our second hug, I moved tear stained strands of hair out of her face as I looked into her eyes. Phoebe had been there for me every second of my life since the day we met. She meant the world to me and from that moment forward I made sure she knew that.  
“Phoebe, you listen to me. You are not holding me back. I came back because you’re my best friend and I care for you more than anyone in my life. I would die for you, Phoebes. You are not holding me back, if anything you are making me better,” I exclaimed my eyes never leaving hers.   
“Yes, I am. Jerome, if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t have come back when you left. You would have left this place and you would be on your path to greatness. Now if you stay here you will never be great like you supposed to. That’s all because of me,” exclaimed Phoebe her tears starting to fall again. Before she had even finished I was shaking my head, her tears were breaking my heart; I hated when she cried, I always would.   
“I told you I’m gonna find a way to do it here at the circus. And you know what Phoebes, knowing you’ll be by my side the whole way there makes me feel a hell of a lot better. Because I know that as long as you’re by my side that I will do it. Phoebe, you don’t hold me back, you push me forward,” I said my voice as serious as it would ever be my entire life as I took her hand our fingers intertwining. Our foreheads touched as she continued to cry though why I will never understand. For these were not sad tears, they were happy tears now, I was sure about that. But I will never understand why women cried when happy and sad. When Phoebe smiled at me in that moment though I forgot everything smiling too; I was just happy she was happy again.   
“You make me stronger, Phoebe. You’re my best friend, you always will be,” I whispered smiling at her.   
“You mean that?” said Phoebe wiping at her remaining tears.   
I brought our joined hands to the place over my heart in that moment my eyes never leaving hers. Even then she had my heart as she always would. She was the only good thing I would ever have and for the rest of my life I would do my damndest to keep her. I didn’t know it then, not like I do now, but I loved her. I loved her and I would for the rest of my life.   
“I swear to god, Phoebes. I mean every word. You are my better half without you I’m pretty sure I’d be screwed for life,” I whispered watching as she smiled. She looked at me for a long time before suddenly she made me speechless with a single kiss on the cheek. But I didn’t let her see how it affected me as I simply continued to smile at her.   
“Thank you, Jerome,” whispered Phoebe before she hugged me that smile now a permanent fixture on her face. When we finally parted we laid on the ground in the dirt not far from the lake. For a while we talked, but then all was silent as we looked up at the tranquility of the stars. We would both never find them anything, but beautiful. Our hands were still joined and after a long silence finally I turned my head to look at her again. I had remembered something very important.   
“Jerome, stop staring at me,” whispered Phoebe suddenly a smile wide on her face as she looked up at the sky still. But I didn’t listen, truth be told I liked staring at her, I always would. She was beautiful; to me she would always be beautiful.   
“Sorry, I can’t do that. I just remembered something very important,” I smiled playing with her fingers now. My words made her look at me with a questioning look in her eyes.   
“Want to know what it is?” I whispered rolling onto my side my smile getting bigger.   
“Yes, tell me,” whispered Phoebe her smile getting bigger too as she rolled to the side with me her head propped on her arm.   
“Your birthday is on Friday,” I whispered making her smile fall. Phoebe hated her birthday, more then I hated mine. While mine was celebrated every year, we had never done so with her because she wouldn’t allow it. In fact her birthday was the only day she purposefully avoided me. I always had to seek her out on that particular day. This year I was hoping to change that. This year I wanted to make her birthday happy for her the way she did mine.   
“Just forget about it, ok Jerome. I just want to pretend it isn’t happening,” said Phoebe looking into my eyes letting me know just how serious she was. I nodded my head though I didn’t actually plan on listening to her. She made me celebrate my birthday every year, so this year we were going to celebrate hers. I would just have to surprise her. If I had my way Phoebe would have a very happy birthday.


	7. Happy Birthday or Not

Jerome’s POV…

“Jerome turn that off!” screamed my mother slamming her door closed as my alarm clock went off that Friday for the first time since I had gotten it; for once I had decided I needed it, so I could be up extra early to make everything perfect for Phoebes birthday.   
“Today I’m getting you back for all my happy birthday’s, Phoebes,” I thought as I exited my trailer remembering as I did all my birthdays and wanting to give Phoebe one for once. We had never celebrated her birthday. She had never allowed it before and usually hid from me all day, but today would change that. We had celebrated my birthday every year since we met and now we would celebrate hers because I wanted to make it a happy day for her. Just like me, I knew she hated her birthday after all it was hard not to when no one really cared about it, but Phoebe changed that for me. Now I would change it for her.   
“Hay Mr. Cicero, you home,” I called knocking on the old man’s door early that morning needing to pick up the cake I had baked for Phoebe and hidden from my mother not wanting to risk her ruining it just to spite me. Once I had the cake I left pretty quickly. Truth be told the old man gave me the creeps, he was always watching me, watching Phoebe even, and I just didn’t like it. It helped sometimes because the old man would do anything for me and I took advantage of it. Even if his interest in me and my comings and goings gave me the creeps. But letting that leave my mind I once again focused on Phoebe’s birthday walking discreetly, but quickly to our secret spot. Nothing would ruin Phoebe’s birthday.   
I worked hard to make everything perfect though it was nothing fancy or anything like that. I spread a blanket out and set the cake in the center so Phoebe would see it first thing before surrounding the rest of the blanket it flowers I’d picked. They were small, the whole set up was small, but as I looked down at the finished product I knew or at least hoped Phoebe would like it. I knew she would at least appreciate the sentiment because I knew her hatred for this day wouldn’t just fade away. It hadn’t for me and thinking of her I knew it was yet another thing that we would share. I was about to go in search of her then when I noticed the mistake I’d made. There was still something missing. My present, I had nearly forgotten it. Taking it out of my pocket, I set it on the ground beneath a few of the flowers, and then I looked at everything again. Now it was perfect and with that thought I smiled turning to go in search of Phoebe. Phoebe meant the world to me. I would do anything for her. I only hoped she liked this that it made her birthday a little more bearable.   
“This took longer than I thought,” I thought as I searched for Phoebes deciding to try her trailer as I realized it was nearly noon. I walked quickly to her trailer giving my signature knock.   
“Phoebes…” I began as the trailer door started to open expecting Phoebe to be there. Her dad answered instead. The very sight of him made my smile fall and a permanent frown find its way to my face. The guy made me sick, I hated him as much as I hated my own mother, and as we stared each other down I felt more and more sick to my stomach. All the man did was make Phoebes life hell. He was the reason she was so unhappy all the time and for the first time in my life I wanted to kill someone. I wanted to kill him. Now, I wish I had back then, but then things would be very different today. Phoebes dad was never really a dad. He was a monster. If anyone deserved to die it was him, but I wasn’t ready to do it yet. I wasn’t ready to kill anyone yet. He was a piece of shit who tortured Phoebe, he hated her for reasons I couldn’t understand, and staring him down nothing was said between us.   
“She’s not here,” said her dad his speech already beginning to slur telling me he had already started drinking.   
He didn’t say another word just grabbed the door and pulled it shut nearly hitting me in the face.   
“Asshole,” I breathed the slam of the door sounding in my ears that sickening feeling still in my stomach. I had a bad feeling and turning with that feeling I went in search of Phoebe. For the first time in my life the circus seemed huge. Phoebe was nowhere to be found and part of me hated that because of that feeling in my stomach. Her dad had already been drunk when I saw him that only made me scared for Phoebe. What did he do to her before she went into hiding? She didn’t want to be found just like every other year, but this year I was determined to find her. I was sure he had already given Phoebe her present, she got bruises just like me every year, and as that thought entered my mind I began searching for her harder. This year that would change.   
“Phoebe?” I called when I finally saw her appear out of nowhere in particular.   
When she heard me call her she turned looking right at me and when I saw her my jaw dropped. We just stared at each other, I couldn’t take my eyes off her face; her dad had given her his present all right. It made me feel with anger just seeing them. As that anger appeared on my face in that same moment Phoebe started to run away from me making my anger lesson as I ran to catch her.   
“Phoebe!” I screamed running to catch up to her. Grabbing her hand, I stopped her turning her to face me. I stared at her, but she wouldn’t look at me. Nothing was said between us until finally her eyes connected with mine and instantly I saw that tears were with them. They leaked past her eyes onto her cheeks making me reach to wipe them away immediately. But the second I did she took a step away refusing to look at me once more. Phoebe shivered away then letting go of my hand to wrap her arms around herself.   
“Oh god, Phoebes…what’d he do? What happened sweetheart?” I exclaimed moving to touch her face again. She once again tried to step away, but I wouldn’t let her. I didn’t care if she wanted me to or not I needed to see what the bastard had done. I needed to see how bad it was; I needed to take care of her like she took care of me when it was me with the bruises on me. And with that thought in my head I heard her sob her whole body shaking as I pulled her into a hug my sweater suppressing the sound of her sobs for only us to hear.   
“Jerome,” sobbed Phoebe in response suddenly no longer fighting me, but instead clinging to me as I held her shaking her head over and over silently telling me she wasn’t ready to talk. I would accept that for now. The fact that she could say my name said a lot. I only held her in that moment waiting for her sobs to die down a little bringing my lips to kiss her head as I tried to sooth her. It would be alright now, she would be alright now; I would make sure of it. When they did die down we still didn’t say a word. We didn’t even pull away, I only continued to stand there simply holding her in my arms until suddenly pulling away just slightly I looked at her. This time when I tried to touch her face she let me. It looked like her dad had started in on her early, there wasn’t an inch of her face that wasn’t slightly purple, there was blood coming out of her nose the new covering the crusty old, and it looked like she had a split lip.   
It all made me pull her back into another hug. I was glad I’d decided to celebrate her birthday, it might cheer her up.   
“Later?” I breathed not needing to tell her what I meant feeling as she nodded in answer.   
“It’s gonna be alright now, I promise,” I whispered kissing her head again before looking down at her.   
“We’re gonna go celebrate your birthday…no protests allowed. Everything’s already ready,” I said touching her face once more almost making her smile as she looked up at me nodding as I took her other hand.   
Phoebe still looked reluctant, but looking into my eyes I let them beg her, implore her. It must have worked because Phoebe tried to smile again. Soon she was nodding again and still holding her hand I followed our tradition. I pulled her along behind me just like I always did. As she followed, trying to keep up with me as we gained speed, I heard her laugh until suddenly I stopped us pulling her in front of me as we entered our secret place.   
“Oh, my god,” breathed Phoebe her hand dropping mine as both of hers covered her mouth. Phoebe was crying once again, but this time I smiled when I saw them. They were happy tears this time.   
Phoebe just stood there not looking at me for the longest time. She was taking everything in, the cake, the flowers, the whole thing making her finally look at me. For a moment, she just stared at me, but then as the tears still flowed down her face Phoebe smiled at me. I loved it so much. I preferred to see her smile rather than cry.   
“I hope you like it Phoebes…I know it’s not much, but happy birthday,” I whispered barely getting to finish speaking before she was in my arms her arms wrapped tight around me. After a moment, we pulled away, and leading her towards the blanket we sat down.   
We sat side by side Indian style on the blanket and immediately I sat her present in her lap.   
“Jerome…you didn’t have to do all this,” exclaimed Phoebe smiling at me as she looked down at the gift. I didn’t say anything in response just gave her a soft poke. I really wanted her to open the gift; I just hoped she would like it.   
“You do this for me every year on my birthday…now it’s my turn,” I said poking her once more. With a smile, Phoebe started to open the paper envelope, and as she eased the gift out of it I found myself suddenly nervous. I hoped she liked it. It was a simple gift, something I had found not even remembering that I had it, but this gift was different than anything else I could have given her. It was special. It wasn’t just any gift; it had real meaning. When her eyes started to tear up I knew she saw that meaning immediately.   
“I forgot about this,” whispered Phoebe showing the picture to me as she leaned her body against mine. I gave her a picture I had forgotten we had had taken and had found lying around my trailer by chance. I knew the second I saw it again that I wanted her to have it; she would take better care of it then I would. With my luck, I would lose it or worse my mother would find it, and burn it. We had had it taken on a very random day when some lady with a camera had been running around. It was the only picture of us we had.   
“This almost makes me wish I had let you steal the camera from that lady then we’d have more of these,” whispered Phoebe both of us remembering the woman with the polaroid camera and how my first instinct had been to try to steal it from her later, but luckily Phoebe had stopped me as she always did. We sat side by side on a bench, we were doing nothing in particular my arm thrown around her shoulders. We were together which explained why we looked so happy. Phoebe was smiling. I was smiling. We were smiling right at each other a special little twinkle in our eyes that we didn’t know existed yet. We were together and happy as long as we were together.   
“We’ll get more eventually…after all we have forever,” I whispered both our eyes lingering on the photo, but also on the words I had written at the bottom.   
“Jerome, how long do you think we’ll be friends?” whispered Phoebe looking at me as she finished reading her line.   
“How long do you want to be friends?” I said part of me being taken back to that day long ago. It had been our first day together, it was how our friendship began, and it would always be one of the best days of my life. As I found myself drawn back to the present I looked down at her smiling. We knew those words by heart.   
“Forever,” said Phoebe laying her head on my shoulder.   
“Then we’ll be friends forever,” I whispered kissing the side of her head.   
“Thank you, Jerome,” whispered Phoebe afterwards nothing else needing to be said between us. When that silence ended, we had cake.   
We didn’t bother cutting the cake, it would have been complicated considering how lopsided the cake was, but Phoebe didn’t seem to mind. It was common knowledge that I couldn’t bake the way that she could. Hell, I couldn’t even cook unless it was frozen or pre-prepared. I think she just appreciated the sentiment and for that I was glad as we each took a fork in hand beginning to eat. I told her jokes as we munched on the cake and each time she laughed I was happy. I was slowly erasing the damage her dad had done. Each time I looked at her that day I felt my anger still there, but I didn’t let it show. That would have upset her more, but looking at her I wanted to know what happened. But I wouldn’t push her. She would tell me when she was ready.   
It was as I was telling a joke that I noticed her start to drift away and setting down her fork I knew she was no longer with me.   
“You ok, Phoebes?” I breathed moving to take her hand, but she moved away before I could. Sitting up, Phoebe dragged her knees up to her chest laying her head on them, and refusing to look at me she was quiet until suddenly she wasn’t.   
“Phoebes…it’s gonna be alright,” I said moving closer to her part of me afraid she would run away again as I coaxed her into my arms. Phoebe’s head snapped up and looking at me she had tears streaming down her face.   
“I woke up and he was standing over me just staring at me. He just started in on me hitting me, kicking me, and it all happened so fast I couldn’t fight back. I couldn’t protect myself. And all because I look like her, Jerome, I look like her,” said Phoebe her tears getting harder as she continued.   
I didn’t know what she was talking about as I smoothed my thumbs over her face drying her tears. But still I would be there to listen.   
“Who Phoebes?” I said letting her crawl into my arms her head once again on my shoulder.   
“I look like my mother, Jerome. That’s why he did this, I look like my mother,” whispered Phoebe her tears nearly making it hard for me to understand her. After a moment, she looked at me and I didn’t know what to say. Phoebe had never mentioned her mother before and I had never asked.   
Phoebe was quiet a moment her hands fisting in my sweater. She was working up the courage to continue and finally when she found it she looked at me. Even before she began again her tears had returned. Her head found its signature place on my shoulder and kissing that same head I didn’t say a word. I would be there as she always had for me. In that moment, my ears were open and I was ready to listen. I would listen to everything keeping everything as always just between us.   
“My mother left when I was a baby…she left because of me. That’s why he blames me. My uncles say I look more like her the older I get…that’s why daddy hates me. I remind him of her…of my mother. It’s my fault she’s gone and that’s why he beats me up worse every year. He hates the day I was born. If I hadn’t been born she wouldn’t have left,” whispered Phoebe her words muffled between her sobs. Phoebe only sobbed then her whole body shaking with the force of them. It was then that I thought that Phoebe in a way had it worse than I did. She had a shit dad and a shit mom. But keeping that to myself I let her cry holding her until I could take the sound of those sobs no more.   
“I don’t even remember her, Jerome, all I have to go off of is what they tell me,” sobbed Phoebe. That is what made me put a stop to those tears. I got rid of them quickly and making her look at me I refused to let her look at me. I would have to start to make her strong because if Phoebe stayed this way I was scared the next time her dad came after her he would kill her. And then I would have to kill him.   
“Phoebes, I want you to listen to me. You need to start fighting back…that and you need to see the bright side of things. You don’t need to be so serious or so scared of him. Just fight back…and smile as you do it cause you know…there’s always room for a smile,” I said letting my words sink in with her before continuing.   
“And maybe it’s good that you don’t remember her. You don’t need to…just always remember that you don’t need her. If she left you the way she did she can’t be worth much,” I whispered. A silence fell between us then until suddenly Phoebe hugged me.   
“It’s gonna be alright now…just don’t forget what I said,” I whispered feeling as she nodded her head against my chest.   
“What was her name?” I said not realizing I had asked the question out loud.   
Phoebe didn’t answer right away. At first, she acted as if she didn’t hear me, but finally she looked up at me. I was about to tell her to forget about it, but I never got the chance.   
“Lucy,” breathed Phoebe a dead silence following the answer. I hated that silence and as it seemed to become more and more drawn out I did the only thing I knew to do to end it. I started to tickle her. It was one of our classic tickle wars and in that moment, it was the only thing I could think of. After all, after all this time I knew where her every tickle spot was.   
“Jerome stop,” laughed Phoebe her voice ringing through the air my fingers running over her skin. And soon my laughter joined hers as her hands found my tickle spots.   
“Phoebes!” I exclaimed laughing with her not caring if anyone showed up to see us this way. We laughed together, we smiled together, and we were happy together. We were each other’s ray of light in the dark place in which we lived. That was my thought as our war finally ended. We laid out of breath on the grass and looking at each other we smiled. We both knew that if we didn’t have each other our lives would be very different.   
Both our breathes heaving, Phoebe caught my eye as she looked up at me. Wrapping her arms around me she laid her head on my chest both our eyes closing. Everything was so peaceful, we were both at peace until suddenly I found I wasn’t with just a few words from her.   
“I love you, Jerome,” whispered Phoebe making my eyes snap open. Nobody had ever said that to me before.


End file.
